Legs and Lechery: A Borgias Counseling Service
by pixelsurgeon
Summary: You know they need it...In which Cute Little Kid Juan haunts everyone, Micholetto wants to bring in a fish and a shrubbery, and Savonarola is fun at parties.
1. Chapter 1

**Me: **Hallo. Welcome to The Borgias counseling service. (You know they need one). I don't own the Borgias, sadly enough…I am lusting after Cesare a bit…not a bit…but that's not important. This will be very OOC and quite insane. Just a warning.

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**Burchard: **Apparently I'm the only one unbiased enough to help you people.

**Dela Rovere: **I'm unbiased…!

**Cesare: **Uh, yeah, no. Also, you stole my monkey idea. So screw you.

**Micholetto: **Wait, the monkey was your idea?

**Burchard: **Everyone shut up and listen to me! Why do you lot think you're here?

**Rodrigo: **We molest children.

**Everyone: ***backs off*

**Cesare: **I don't exactly know how to top that…here goes: I'm extremely violent and have killed a bunch of people. RAWR! I'M ACTING OUT! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

**Juan: **I'm overprivileged. And I have a mullet that is sucking the intelligence out of me.

**Lucrezia: **Juan killed my boyfriend so I dropped a chandelier on him.

**Cesare: **…wow. I'll need to step up my game here.

**Goffre: **Everyone's totally forgotten about me.

**Giulia: **My leg is some kind of classroom.

**Charles: **WE'RE UGLY AND WE KNOW IT!

**Giulia: **Did no one hear me? My leg is a frickin' classroom! And I step on Naples, like, every day!

**Charles: **Oh, so _that's_ what that was.

**Micholetto: **I get zero love. Also, I kill everything. And a hot priest whipped me. Wait…why am I complaining about that?

**Cesare: **Notice how I'm not complaining about being the whipper…*eyebrow waggle*

**Rodrigo: **We think we enjoy calling ourselves 'we' too much.

**Charles: **We think the same thing.

**Cesare: **Then maybe just stop.

**Charles: **…the boy has sense.

**Juan: **UGH PEOPLE, PAY ATTENTION TO ME! Oh, right, that's the other thing…I'm an attention whore.

**Cesare: **Well, you're right about the 'whore' part.

**Juan: ***glare* Let's have a talk about fratricide.

**Micholetto: **Dudes, that's a big word! It's so big I don't even know what it means!

**Cesare: ***facepalm*

**Juan: **Everytime you facepalm, you kill a unicorn.

**Lucrezia: **NOOOOOOO! SAVE THE UNICORNS!

**Giulia: **I've stepped on a few lately…damn you Rodrigo Borgia! Now all of Italy is dependent on my leg! What happens if Rome gets an itch? Huh?

**Rodrigo: **…that would be bad.

**Lucrezia: **Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows.

**Micholetto: **I don't know what those words mean either…

**Lucrezia: **They're related to happiness.

**Micholetto: **Ah. That's why.

**Giulia: **Florence is getting itchy!

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**A/N: **Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Me: **Hello again! I'm baaaack:) And I still don't own the Borgias… Again: Random. OOC. General madness.

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**The Room: ***is completely insane*

**Lucrezia: **I'm _telling_ you, cake metaphors work all the time!

**Cesare: **I prefer the 'blow-everything-up' approach myself.

**Charles: **You are all wrong. There's this rectum thingy that looks like a juicer and is highly effective.

**Micholetto: **What is this rectum juicer you speak of?

**Cesare: **Sorry, Michy, no. I think we have to cut it at the whip.

**Micholetto: ***lost puppy eyes*

**Cesare: ***sigh*

**Rodrigo: **We fear our son has far too many disturbing secrets…

**Juan: **Oh, totally. I-

**Rodrigo: **Our _other _son.

**Goffre: **AM I BEING REMEMBERED?

**Rodrigo: ***eye roll* CESARE, DAMMIT.

**Cesare: ***attempts to hide whip by flinging it into the air*

**Whip: ***hits Giulia Farnese's leg*

**Giulia: **…aaaand there goes Milan.

**Cesare: **This is getting rather random, isn't it? And Burchard kinda just disappeared…

**Lucrezia: **Let me find a cake metaphor for this…hmm…nope…can't find one…

**Cesare: **Hah. Cake isn't always applicable. SCORE FOR BLOWING STUFF UP!

**Juan: **I find that just killing people helps.

**Lucrezia: ***evil glare* Do you want a chandelier dropped on you when _you're_ the one on top?

**Juan: ***actually has to think about that for a moment* Depends…

**Micholetto: **I wouldn't mind.

**Cesare: **I _said,_ we stop it at the whip. I am Badass Cardinal, and I declare that you shall follow my instructions.

**Vice Chancellor: **But I thought I was Badass Cardinal…

**Cesare: **Think again. I plainly am the badass in this situation. I wear black leather, I kill people, and best of all I blow stuff up. RAWR! VENGEANCE!

**Lucrezia: **Cake.

**Cesare: **Blowing stuff up.

**Lucrezia: **CAKE.

**Cesare: **Take it from the expert, blowing stuff up is way more effective.

**Micholetto: **Why are you the expert? I'm clearly the expert.

**Cesare: **It's totally me.

**Micholetto: **CESARE STOP CONTRADICTING ME!

**Cesare: **… that was surprisingly effective…

**Lucrezia: **Ooh, do I get the last word? CAKE.

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**A/N: **Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Me: **…oh my God. The last two episodes…emotional overload, here. So…I tried to make them funny…don't kill me if it didn't work. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, you're so sweet. Still don't own the Borgias.

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**Savonarola: **Aren't I fun at parties? No, seriously! Everyone loves a bald fat guy who tells 'em they'll go to hell!

**Micholetto: ***narrows eyes* Hey. People love assassins. Especially ones who torture people.

**Cesare: **Now, now, Miccy, let's be nice now. Just because he realized you were a sodomite is no reason to freak out. Everyone knew, anyways.

**Micholetto: **…how did everyone know?

**Cesare: **Psshht, it was obvious. First of all, those puppy eyes you always give me? Obvious. Don't forget about your obsession with whips. And the way you were staring at that Sforza boy wasn't exactly inconspicuous.

**Juan: **Ten more sons…

**Lucrezia: ** Are you alright?

**Juan: **…no. I had a dick juicer. I got ridiculed by a woman, my poodle headed brother, and you. I started talking to my penis. I became a stoner. Then I got murdered by aforementioned poodle headed brother. Then I turned into a cute little kid while my father buried me. It hasn't exactly been the best month.

**Cesare: **Oh, lord. Wait…how many people get haunted by Cute Little Kid Juan?

**Rodrigo, Vannozza, Lucrezia, Cesare, Micholetto: ***raise hands*

**Cesare: **Micholetto…? _What?_ You never knew him as a cute kid.

**Micholetto: **A man can dream.

**Cesare: **That statement disturbed me more than anything you've ever done.

**Micholetto: **Even the eunuch and the candlestick?

**Cesare: **Even the eunuch and the candlestick.

**Micholetto: **Speaking of that, how does including a fish and a shrubbery sound?

**Cesare: **How would that work?

**Micholetto: **Well-

**Cesare: **Wait, I don't even want to know.

**Micholetto: **You take the fish, and-

**Cesare: **I don't want to know.

**Micholetto: **Then the shrubbery goes-

**Cesare: **I SMITE YOU WITH MY SEXY AVENGING ANGEL POWERS! *smites Micholetto with sexy avenging angel powers*

**Micholetto: ***repels with epic assassin powers*

**Cesare: **…well damn.

**Juan: **Wait, wait a minute here. I frickin' died, and all you've been talking about is eunuchs and fish. Don't I deserve some _angst_, here?

**Prince Alfonse of Naples: **OR MEEEE! Everyone forgot about me!

**Juan: **Seriously, dude. I deserve the angst.

**PAoN: **That could be debated.

**Savonarola: **Yo, everyone! Listen to fun party man! Okay, so. Juan, you go to hell. Alfonse, you go to hell. In fact, everyone just go to hell.

**Della Rovere: **Where did he learn my secret? Hmm…time for an overused line. KILL THE BORGIA POPE!

**Cesare: **That time again? Fine. Does Juan?

**Della Rovere: **IT WAS SUPPOSED TO END WITH ME!

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**A/N: **Yeah, so…funniness in last two episodes equals zero. But please review!


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